It's never enough
by Loren-Mac
Summary: A rather angsty fic based around Anita and Tom- yes this is HOLBY not cas...


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It's never enough 

If someone had told him, a few weeks ago, that he would be sitting down crying for her, then he wouldn't have believed them, but there he was. His heart ached so much that with every beat another tear fell, and another 'what if' popped into his head. 

Images and memories of when he found her rushed through his head, the blood on the stairs, the broken screams of a woman, an almighty crash… then… silence. It's the silence that hurt the most; it meant it was over, that she was no longer there. At that moment he had crashed onto the floor in the landing and sobbed so hard, maybe if he had reacted quicker he might have been able to save her, but he knew her injuries were far too extensive for her to survive. 

When he had left her, it had been because they found that it wasn't working, but if he had known for an instant that new meant someone that would physically harm her, he would never have allowed it. Anita was his dream, the only one he ever really loved, but things changed for her, she didn't need him anymore. It had only been a few months since she left him, but in those months he missed her so much. 

There were so many things he still needed to say, so many things that he had never told her. Then it all hit him really and truly hit him. He'd never see that satin wave of hair spread about the pillow beside him. He'd never see those startling blue eyes glowing with happiness at the simple sight of him. He'd never hear her gentle laugh when he said something stupid. He'd never feel her again. But he'd always love her. 

"I love you, I'll never get go," he whispered, the tears tumbling down his cheeks, "You leaving me has finally allowed me to realise the passion I really feel for you." 

His whole world had fallen down, but when he had left her go it was because he couldn't settle for just her, he had been selfish again. He had wanted everything. In wanting everything, at the end of it all, he lost everything, everything that ever meant anything to him, her. Memories flashed before his eyes in a wave of sorrow.

_"I'll love you forever Anita," He whispered, caressing her velvety cheek. _

_"How do you know that?" She giggled as he pulled her around and sat her onto his lap, his warm embrace sending her head spinning. _

_"Because I can feel it, I've never felt like this before and so I know, I can never stop feeling it." He smiled warmly at her, his heart fit to burst with the love he felt inside for her. Everything he said he truly meant, and he said it because he thought he would never have doubts, he thought he would never leave her. _

_"Are you sure you don't want to go back?"_

_"I've told you before, Anita, as long as I have you, I want nothing more." He whispered, knowing deep down inside that it was a lie. It wasn't that he wanted to lie to her, but that little inkling of doubt just wasn't enough for him to take action… not then anyway…_

He pushed his hands through his hair as the tears tumbled down, he couldn't stop them, he had no reason to anyway. The pain inside was so intense that he felt no way out of it anymore. 

"Why did I have to be so stupid as to let you slip away?" he sobbed talking blankly to the wall opposite, just imagining her there, "Why was I so selfish." 

So many different answers filled his mind, one of them being that he had always been selfish, and she had been stupid to fall for him. Along with the answers came her voice once more.

_"There is no point living life on the why's, Tom, life is to be lived for what we have." She had said, placing her hand on top of his, just after he had found out about Ric being the clinical director. So many questions filled him then, about how they never knew that he wouldn't come back, maybe that had been the start to all his sorrow. _

He just wanted her to come back, for her to be in his arms and for his heart to stop hurting, for his eyes to stop emptying themselves of tears. It had come as such a shock that it hurt more than it should have done. It hurt most of all because he had just decided to overcome his pride and talk to her. 

If he had got there sooner then maybe she would have been in his arms and everything would be normal again. But then, maybe he would be faced with the same problems again, not being able to have everything because he wouldn't have realised his true feelings. Confusion filled his mind, and tears his eyes, so that the world around him just became so distant, so far away. Somewhere in his head he found himself with Anita, and that's just where he wanted to stay, forever. 

_"Anyone can tell you're dying inside Tom, there's nothing you can say or do to hide it. Whatever it is that passed between Anita and you doesn't matter, you need to talk to her." Ed said wisely as Tom paced up and down his office, the pain showing in his tired eyes. _

_"I can't go back there Ed, we left on such terrible terms, you know what I can be like sometimes."_

_"I think everyone knows that," Commented Ric, who appeared at the doorway with some files in his outstretched arms. _

_"The point is," interjected Ed, "You need to sort out the way you left, I'm sure she's missing you just as much as you are her."_

_"And maybe it might loosen you up a little." Ric mumbled to himself, but just loud enough for Tom to hear, as he put the folders down and departed from the room once again. _

_Tom sat down hard upon the chair, his mind racing, on one hand he wanted to go back to her, but on another he couldn't do that to himself. He also couldn't do that to her, give her the hope that it can work and then watch it all fall away again as if water in the palm of their hands. _

_It was true, he missed her so much that he felt that he was about to go insane if he never saw her again, but how could he have admitted that to himself, let alone Ed. The thing was, everyone knew how much he was hurting more than he did, and that baffled him so much, he thought she was the only one who could read him like that. Maybe he had been wrong and really she wasn't anyone special, she was just another woman. _

_"I can't do it," Tom said, beginning to pace the room again, that's one thing Anita always complained about, his pacing. He would always laugh and say it was something that came with age, but that just made her frown at him, he guessed she didn't see him as old. _

_"There is nothing that you can't do, you're just to stubborn too, isn't that what you always told me?" _

_Ed's right of course, Tom thought to himself, I can do it if I really want to, and I do really want too, but I'm afraid. Tom, your just being stupid, what is there to be afraid of? Everything… _

_"Maybe your right," Tom whispered dejectedly. _

_"Not maybe, you know I am… just go out there and tell her how you feel, if you can express to her how much your hurting in words, I know she won't be able to resist." _

_"If this is just an excuse to get rid of me, its not going to work," He said jokingly as he left, but deep inside he was extremely grateful for what Ed had said and done for him. He hadn't been the nicest to Ed since he left Anita, and he didn't really deserve sympathy or help, but that's what he received… and all he could be was grateful. _

Tom wiped his eyes on his sleeve sighing, there was nothing left in life for him now. At least there is no deciding between two anymore, he laughed to himself, but deep inside he could not laugh. 

He had really expected just to turn up and for everything to be okay; maybe Ed had led him to false hope. He hadn't expected it to be difficult, and if it was there would always be a reward at the end of it, her. She was the only reward he could ever want. 

Fresh tears spill from his eyes once more as he remembers arriving in America and all the events that took place after it. It had all been such a blur that he never really took anything in properly, but when he had a chance to think things through and take in what he heard, his heart ached all the more. 

"I miss you Anita… come back, tell me it all didn't happen," he sobbed, the tears streaming down his, already, tear stained face. 

_"Anita?" He called as he stepped into the apartment, the lights were out but that wasn't unusual at ten o' clock, often work would tire her out. As soon as he got closer to the stairs he realised things weren't 'usual' though, and nothing after it would be either. _

_He stepped onto the stairs where a pool of red blood sat, set about the carpet as if put there for a reason. The tears filled his eyes instantly, and they began to tumble down onto his cheeks. A noise interrupted him, and filled him with hope. _

_"Tom!!!" Anita cried out from somewhere upstairs, she had really called for him when she was in her greatest time of need. And he had been there, she just never found out._

_He started on his way up the stairs until he realised there was someone else with her, because a gruff voice was shouting at her. She screamed so loud and with such fear and anguish that it broke his heart, but there was nothing he could do. If he had been a braver person he may have carried on up the stairs to face whatever or whoever it was, but while he contemplated it all everything stopped. The house stood still, silent._

_He looked up with fear in his eyes and hurt filling his heart and he knew it was all over. The silence meant there was no one left to fight. He sat on those stairs for some time, crying silently, recalling every moment he ever spent with her. His heart breaking even more at each kiss in his memory. _

_"I love you Anita, I love you… s-s-so, so much. Please don't be dead, you can't have left me, please God. Spare her." He whispered as he rounded the corner to the bedroom. _

_The worst sight he had ever seen for the whole of his life lay before him. There she was, his one and only love spread about on the floor, her hair encrusted with ruby coloured blood, her eyes calling out for help, her lips tight shut. And he cried, that's all he could do, he stroked her hair and held her hand, just willing her to wake up and laugh again. _

_"No, why her… why her?" He sobbed. _

_Those startling eyes, just reduced to a terrified state, no longer was there any sparkle, any hope in them. If time could have stood still from that moment on, he would have allowed it to, but there was nothing he could do. As the time passed on his tears could no longer fall, all he could feel was emptiness inside, and the anger of what someone had taken away from him. There was also the anger that he had allowed himself to build upon false hope and plan for the future with her… _

He felt someone sit beside him and he turned around to face Ed, he knew he looked a mess, but the pain in Ed's eyes showed it hurt him too. 

"I'm sorry Tom… I shouldn't have said anything…" Ed whispered, hanging his head low. He had regretted it since he found out what happened, he didn't mean to force Tom to see her. If he had known what was to come, then he wouldn't have insisted upon it, but life's like that sometimes. 

"Its okay Ed, I'm glad you did. At least I was there for her, even if she didn't know it, and I had time to spend alone with her, and even if she couldn't hear me, it helped. I guess…" he said, trying to keep his voice from failing, but he couldn't, the tears splashed from his eyes and there was no containing them. "I guess you don't really realise how you feel about someone until you've lost them. Nothing really ever was enough for me, until I realised that I didn't need all that…. Not really, I only needed her... and now its too late."

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